


Midlife Crisis

by asdfgjkl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Attempt at, Crack, Gen, Humor, unadulterated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 06:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1418134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asdfgjkl/pseuds/asdfgjkl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three men, one problem.</p><p>(Also known as: that one time when Erwin tried to get into everybody's pants, Levi decided to turn hipster and Mike can't get enough of the smell of sex).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Midlife Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> There are spoilers from Chapter 42 of the manga! 
> 
> Also, I am aware Hanji's gender is a heavily-debated subject, but I'm just going to refer to Hanji as a 'her' because 'them' sounds too... awkward?

Midlife Crisis

 

A bit after the 104th trainees squad graduated and enlisted in one out of the three military branches, Commander Erwin Smith celebrated his 38th birthday. Squad Leader Mike Zacharias was next with his 37th birthday and he was followed by Lance Corporal Levi and his 35th birthday.

In the beginning, their increased ages did not interfere with the operation of the Legion. Everything was fine and dandy – until it was not.

Erwin started coming to work with nothing but a flimsy singlet underneath his jacket. That wasn’t a problem until he settled down in his office and took his jacket off, draping it over the back of his chair, and everyone who paid the Commander a visit would suddenly find themselves in urgent need of a box of tissues, whether for their bleeding nose or… otherwise.

Hanji, like she did with most things, found it amusingly interesting. She asked him why Erwin suddenly decided to up his fashion game and pestered him until he gave in. All done under the noble excuse of Science.

“The titan kid wears his shirt like this,” Erwin said.

“The titan kid? You mean Eren?”

“No, the blonde one. Reiner Braun, I believe.”

“Ohhhh, him!”

“Taking fashion advice from our enemies now, Erwin?” Levi, who was standing in the doorway to Erwin’s office when one second ago he was not, asked.

Erwin laughed, “That’s rich coming from the guy who’s decked up in chains instead of straps. Are _you_ fraternizing with the Wallists, Levi?”

Levi scoffed as he made his way across the room to stand before Erwin’s desk, “You obviously don’t know shit about trendy clothing. I saw the kids in the streets wearing these.”

“Because kids in the streets are fashion experts.”

“At least they _wear_ clothes, shit-for-brains. Titans don’t.”

“Do, when they’re in human form,” Erwin challenged.

“Levi, won’t it be really hard for you to use the 3DMG in chains?” Hanji mused.

She was blatantly ignored by the other two in favor of defending their tastes.

“Though, you have to admit – this singlet does increase my,” he paused, searching for the right word, “appeal.”

“You say that only because you haven’t seen the best part of my uniform.”

“Oh?” Erwin raised an eyebrow curiously.

Hanji did the same, except her face looked upturned and far less graceful than Commander Perfect’s.

Levi pulled out another chain from underneath his shirt (he had foregone the cravat today, surely the world was ending). It was a necklace, Hanji realized, as Levi dangled the glittery, rainbow-colored pendant in front of their eyes. It was a circle encompassing three lines, making up three triangles within the circular border. Hanji had seen it sprayed across walls in the streets. It was one of those graffiti symbols teenagers seemed to be obsessed about. What was it called – a _peace_ sign?

“This is a peace necklace, the limited edition version.”

“Do you think the titans will stop trying to eat us if we held that sign up to them?” Hanji asked, the desire for knowledge burning her eyes. “It’s so flashy, after all! How could they resist?”

Levi scowled, “It’s not flashy. It’s _classy_.”

Erwin nodded, “Right. Classy as fuck.”

Two heads snapped at his direction at the expletive.

“Did you just-”

“-say ‘fuck’?”

“Problem?” He said as he did the eyebrow thing again.

“Well, no,” Hanji started, before she was rudely interrupted by Levi. “Fuck yes! Swearing is my thing. You’re not allowed to be like me. If everyone’s like me, I won’t be hipster anymore!”

“Commander, Sir-,” Eren, who had walked into the room in a rush, cut himself short when the picture in front of him registered in his mind: the Commander in a sleeveless, see-through shirt, the Corporal wrapped in chains sporting jewelry Armin wore when he was five and Hanji, well, Hanji being Hanji and mumbling something about titans. “Um.”

“What the fuck do you want, brat?” Erwin and Levi chorused at the same time, before they turned to each other and glared.

“Um.”

“Well?”

“Out with it.”

“I just- Um. I mean, well-”

“Sometime today, Jaeger.”

“Squad Leader Mike asked me to, um, he said something about a meeting,” it was really disconcerting to see Erwin practically half naked (it was even more disconcerting to witness how _good_ he looked half naked), “I think?”

Levi sighed, “Useless brat. Shoo.”

Eren did exactly as he was told and squirmed the fuck away.

**

Mike entered the mess hall just as Levi executed a perfect hair flip.

Levi and Erwin had taken to parting their bangs sideways now, because that was how kids these days were rumored to do it. The fact that not one boy from the 104th was wearing their hair like that did not escape them – they just considered them untrendy and uninformed people. Poor kids.

Mike thought his superiors looked fabulous with the new hairstyle. So fabulous that he might just start doing the same.

He sat down beside Hanji at the Officers’ table just as she asked, “What are you wearing?”

Her voice had a sort of resigned tone to it, like she was used to so much surprises from Erwin and Levi the past couple of days she wasn’t likely to be surprised by whatever fashion catastrophe Mike concocted.

“Sneakers.”

“Sneakers?”

“Yes, like shoes, but better. Trendier. The-”

“Kids wear it these days?” Hanji finished for him. He nodded, looking proud of himself for being the first one in the room to own a pair of these so-called _sneakers_. She rolled her eyes, “Yeah, yeah, we get it. It’s not like the uniforms matter or anything.”

Uniforms seemed to be the least of the Commander’s priorities.

“Nice legs,” Erwin casually commented.

“Yeah, thanks. These shoes make my legs look longer, don’t they?” He wiggled his feet.

Levi’s ears perked up at the mention of _longer legs._ He stared at Mike’s form from across the table. He dipped his head down, beneath the wooden surface, just so he could peek at Mike’s legs.

“Stand up,” he ordered. Mike did.

Levi gave him a very thorough once-over.

After a moment of serious scrutiny, he said, “Where did you get that?”

Mike grinned.

**

“Commander-,” Eren stopped in front of Erwin’s open office room yet again as he tried to digest the scene unfolding before him.

There was Levi, on the couch, with his black, finished nail polish and eyeliners painting the perimeter of his eyes, and there were Erwin and Mike on the floor, huddled like little chicks around their mother hen – a tiny paintbrush looking thing in one hand, lip between teeth in concentration, forehead marred with a frown.

“Wait,” came Erwin’s response.

Eren looked at the pile of papers stacked upon Erwin’s desk and back at the men on the floor. It was no wonder Hanji’s charts show a staggering decline in the Scouting Legion’s efficiency. Well, at least that was what Armin told him the charts meant.

 As he stood in the doorway, still unsure of what to do, he caught Levi’s gaze. The man shrugged.

“Procrastination is in, brat. Procrastination is young.”

**

Eren, Armin and Jean were on stable duty today. Cleaning the stables was bad enough, but the chore itself couldn’t compare to spending time with the three of them, considering the relationship they shared. Specifically, the relationship Jean and Eren shared, with Armin sandwiched in the middle of Eren’s wrath and Jean’s was-it-jealousy-was-it-not slash did-he-like-Mikasa-did-he-not thing.

However, like mature adults, the three of them sucked it up and met in front of the stables five minutes before breakfast ended. Eren and Jean greeted each other with a curt and overly-formal nod while Armin stood to the side and made sure to stay out of the tension threatening to pull him down with them.

They then opened the double doors and entered to find… three new horses – three of the most powerful and beautiful and well-bred horses. The first one was glowing white and ethereal; the second one was sleek and inky; the third one was brown, dappled with black spots.

As if going by some sort of man-code, the three of them promptly selected a horse for themselves before fanboy-ing over said horse. No, you don’t understand, Jean was literally drooling (he was definitely not in like with Mikasa – how could he when his own kind stood before him, seducing him?) over the brownish one and producing giddy, incoherent noises.

“Wow, these must cost a fortune.”

“No shit, Jaeger.”

“You’d know,” Eren snickered.

Jean’s eyes narrowed, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, horse-face.”

“Eat my shit.”

“Guys, play nice.”

Armin tried. He did. It just never worked.

Thankfully, three officers strolled in just as their argument was about to escalate into a all-out brawl.

“Wassup, brah,” Erwin said.

The three boys drew in collective breaths.

Levi considered himself to be above speaking in street-style, and so he chose to stick to his normal vocabulary.

He swore a storm into the stables, “What the fuck are you brats doing here?”

“What the fuck are you brats doing to my horse?”

“Why the fuck are your dirty hands on his mane, Jaeger? Do you know how sensitive horses are to bacteria? Fuck the flying fuck off.”

“Do you fucks know how much of the Legion’s budget we had to dig up to cover the payment of these horses?”

“Um,” Eren said, the word having turned into his default response regarding all things involving his superiors.

At that, Erwin slowly turned to face him. “Levi,” he warned.

Levi shrugged, “Don’t be such a pussy, shitstain. Man-up to the truth.”

And then, he turned to Eren, Armin and Jean and said, “Make sure you don’t run into any titans this month because you shits sure as hell aren’t getting any money for supplies.”

Mike, who had thought himself to be too passive in the conversation, decided to end the discussion with a bomb by following through with Levi’s advice of swearing (sparsely, not as much as Levi did because he still wanted to avoid making swearing a mainstream activity) to sound cool.

“Cunt,” he said.

The three boys from the 104th blinked.

“You know – pussy, cunt,” he stared at their blank faces. “No?”

“Mike,” Levi hissed. “You don’t have to justify yourself.”

“Oh. Oh, okay.”

The three boys from the 104th were still blinking and unmoving when the three officers left the stables.

**

Now that the three men had settled on a new persona and had purchased a new horse, they were ready to test out how effective their improvements were.

For Erwin, that entailed hitting on every boy from the 104th unfortunate enough to be in the Scouting Legion because he needed to confirm that he was still sexually desired (actually, the boys of the 104th would’ve considered getting hit on by Commander Handsome a fortunate event, _if not for the seething imp situated behind the Commander sending death glares at anyone who even entertained the idea of agreeing to the Commander’s wishes_ ):

  1.    Armin



“You called for me, Sir?” Armin said as he stepped into the Commander’s office.

“Yes,” Erwin replied, looking up from his work.

The younger blonde gulped at the muscles threatening to bulge out of the older blonde’s shirt. He folded his hands and placed them on his stomach to avoid fidgeting.

“What can I do for you, Sir?”

“Strip.”

“Sir?” Armin squeaked, alarmed.

“I want to get into your pants.”

Levi, who had been leaning against a pillar behind Erwin all this time, sighed. Whether or not he switched to death-threat mode after this would be up to whatever the boy said next.

“I-”

Death-threat mode, activated.

Armin yelped and stiffened up. “I think I should go, Sir,” he said hastily, the words tumbling headfirst out of his mouth.

Cautiously, he walked backwards out of the Commander’s office and closed the door.

Erwin was puzzled, wondering what that was about.

  1.    Eren



The boy prayed that Maria, Rose, Sina, or whichever deity, would be kind enough to allow him a normal audience with the Commander today. He knew that the Scouting Legion’s definition of normal was slightly skewed, but he still harbored hope that it would be as close as it could be to _his_ definition of normal.

“Dude!” the Commander greeted jovially. “Come in, make yourself at home. D’you want some tea?”

He had learnt from his first attempt with Arlert that it was bad to speak formally because it was misleading – he hadn’t asked them to come here for work related purposes, after all. And, he shouldn’t be so straight to the point.

He froze mid-way in his attempt to retrieve the teapot and turned to face Levi, a questioning look on his face.

“Yes, shithead, tea is for old men,” Levi mumbled.

Erwin’s face dropped. “Sorry man, I guess you’re just gonna have to deal.”

Eren had reverted back to spewing out “Um”s every six seconds.

“But anyways! I was thinking about your titan experiments.”

Eren chanced a cautious look at Erwin, “Sir?” he asked, voice full of trepidation.

Erwin leaned back in his chair, “I want you to show me your titan.”

Levi, who was standing behind Erwin once again, sighed.

“Here?” Eren asked skeptically. “I’m not sure-”

Erwin chuckled, “Not that titan, Eren.” He pointed a finger at Eren’s crotch, “That one.”

A layer of red enveloped Eren’s skin.

“I! I mean no insult, Commander, but I’m only interested in the Corp-”

There was a sole digging into Eren’s face before he even understood what was going on. Well, if it provided Eren any comfort, at least he knew that it was the cleanest sole in the whole of the military, seeing as how the Corporal sanitized it daily.

  1.    Jean



On his third attempt, Erwin was beginning to feel the pressure. He _needed_ to nail it (him) this time.

Contrary to his previous tries, he decided against summoning the boy to his office because the atmosphere was bad for sexual intimacy. Instead, he approached the boy in the hallway, right after lunch.

“Jean, can I have a word with you?”

He also started speaking in normal English again because Eren didn’t seem too impressed with slang.

“Yes, Sir,” the boy replied as he followed Erwin out of the mess hall. Armin and Eren glanced at Jean sympathetically from where they were sitting.

Levi watched Erwin and Jean for a moment before he too, got up and exited the room. He needed to be present for the sighs, after all.

“Jean, I have a proposition for you.”

“And what would that be, Sir?”

“I’m going to proposition you.”

Levi – wait for it – sighed.

“Y-you are, Sir?” Jean stuttered.

“Yes.”

“I glad-,” Jean suddenly started to feel oppressed by the air in the corridor and he needed only to turn his head slightly to see behind Erwin to figure out what the cause for the instant feeling of suffocation was. He was offered two choices: fuck the Commander and die a gruesome death or fuck the Commander and live and hopefully not die a gruesome death from the titans anyway. “-ly decline.”

He chose the latter.

  1.    Connie



Erwin hadn’t even gotten to the part where he actually started talking to the boy when Levi started sighing – continuously and really, really loudly.

“What’s up with you?” Erwin, the ever considerate Commander, asked.

“Not me, you. You’re a dumbass.”

He cocked an eyebrow, “Why am I a dumbass?”

Levi turned to face Erwin, his fingers curled inwards, clawing the air, and cried, “Can’t you see? What you’re looking for has been right here all along!” A startling desperation lined his words.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

“Oh, I left my bolo tie over at your place, didn’t I?”

One second.

“Fucking dumbass!”

  1.    Levi



Erwin was a wise man. He was not going to dwell over his failures with the new recruits. Rather, he was going to move onto the next stage of his plan – the supposed ‘Advaced’ stage, in which he propositions the Officers of the Legion.

“Levi,” Erwin began, “would you-”

The man in question was on his knees, legs spread and unzipping Erwin’s fly, before Erwin had even gotten the chance to finish his sentence.

Erwin sighed contentedly and allowed his head to loll back against his chair.

He concluded, as Levi was giving him a blowjob, that he was simply too sophisticated for any of the younger brats to handle.

**

While the two had themselves some hot sex in Erwin’s office, a certain Squad Leader was busy hooking up with the boys of the 104th and Hanji’s all too willing assistant.

**

After the series of frivolous events the Scouting Legion had experienced, the males of the 104th decided to stage… an intervention. Ish. Simply because they were the ones most affected by the Officers’ changes in attitude.

For Erwin, they sent him a letter addressed to “Commander Handsome”. In the white envelope was a sketch of Commander Handsome in all his glory. No, it’s not what you think – the Commander was clothed in his normal, long-sleeved uniform and bolo tie. And his glorious muscles were extremely handsome.

On the backside of the drawing was a caption: “We want Commander Handsome back!”

Then: “We want polite, senile nods in the hallway instead of ‘Hey, dude!’s!”

And: “We want asexual, old Commander Erwin instead of gangsta Commander Erwin trying to hit on everyone in the 104th while Levi seethes behind him guaranteeing failure in all his attempts!”

The last two lines were crossed out because that probably wouldn’t help with the Commander’s confidence.

For Levi, they sent him new cleaning supplies, the same picture of Erwin, and a note: “Cleanliness and Erwin loves you!”

They figured that should do it.

Nobody was aware of the addendum Eren had attached.

For Mike, they sent him, well, they sent him themselves. That decision had nothing to do with the fact that Mike was a great lay, holy shit – it was merely because they knew that feeling desired would be a sure boost to his confidence. Really.

**

The girls watched on from the sidelines as preparations were being made. Eventually, they all gave up with a frustrated shake of their heads and went to hang out with Hanji.

“We need you as our Commander,” Sasha said resolutely.

Hanji only laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> I, um, yes. I needed a break from shippy fics, so. Um.  
> (I have turned Eren with all the 'um's). 
> 
> Thank you for reading - I hope you enjoyed this! I hope this was even remotely funny! Feedback is always adored ;)


End file.
